And there’s Siobhan.
One of the first things I wanna do is call her, talk to her, and make sure she knows that everything is all right, for real. Because it’s all right; it’s very all right. I feel good about her, about her being in my life. And for now, I don’t want a thing to change as far as that goes.
I’m not ready.
Two years, two women, a shit load of fuckin’ around, and I finally figure it out. I’m not ready for a relationship. I wasn’t ready two years ago. I wasn’t ready when I was with Amanda; we played house together, she was beautiful, I felt like ‘somebody’ when I was with her, and that was it. If we’d gotten married the way I wanted, it woulda been over a long time ago. And I wasn’t ready when I was with Sarah. It was almost the same deal as Amanda: playing house, she was beautiful, I felt like ‘somebody’ when I was with her. But I was desperate, too. I was crazy desperate to not be alone, to not have to face all the changes in my life by myself. I wanted someone to be with me, to listen to me, to fuck me, to be able to take around and say, “I’m with her”.
None of that spells marriage. None of that feels like commitment. I’m for shit when it comes to commitment. Three days at Sunset House isn’t gonna make me ready, either.
Right now, right at this moment, I like Siobhan a lot. More than I’ve liked a woman in a long, long time. Bottom line, I don’t want to fuck that up. I guess I never did. I just needed to take a few days to get it clear in my head. That’s me. Any other person would get it right away, me, I need to be in a place with no interference. Anyway, I like Shi and I don’t want to drag her into my shit. At least not until, until it’s not shit anymore.
So it’s time to play it cool, for once in my life. And I know it’s not gonna be easy, ‘cause I’m not cool at all. I know how to be, damn, what did that doctor call it? Impetuous. I know how to dive into something on the spur of the moment and mess with it and screw it up. I’m real good at that. Well, I don’t want to be that way anymore. I know if I am that Shi’ll just get disgusted or somethin’ and leave.
There’s at least one thing about this that hasn’t changed. I’d rather have Shi around as a friend than have her bail on me ‘cause I tried to make this something else.
It doesn’t change how I feel though. Not a bit. What I’m tryin’ to learn, you know, by talkin’ this all out and tryin’ to make sense of it, I’m tryin’ to learn to live with feelings that I shouldn’t act on. It goes against something inside me that’s just, just a part of me, a part of me that wants what I want when I want it and the hell with the consequences. I want to try to think about the consequences first, especially about Shi.
Still, right now, I feel pretty good. I’m gonna have to take this kinda time to myself more often, no matter how weird or scary it seems to feel. It was worth it. These past few days at Sunset House have made this whole trip to Florida worth it.
“You look good,” mom says.
“Thanks, I feel pretty good,” I tell her. She was worried. I can see it in the way her eyes kinda relax when she sees me. They had a tense look to them just a second ago, but now they look fine.
I’m kind of amazed that I can look her in the eye. There’s been years when I couldn’t. Years. Who needs that? Who needs that shit, not bein’ able to look people in the eye? I open my arms and hug my mother, who hugs me back hard. She’s little. Almost a foot shorter than me and I ain’t that tall. I kiss the top of her head, this big mess of red hair she has. She colors it, and it looks good on her. I think she’s always colored it somethin’, which probably got me into colorin’ mine.
Too bad I hardly got any left to dye.
That thought, and mom’s long nails on my sides tickling me, makes me laugh out loud.
“S… stop ma,” I say, but she’s laughin’, too, and I don’t care if she wants to tickle me, she looks too happy to stop.
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“Hi, Shi, it’s me, Alex.”
I know it’s Alex’s phone, I recognized his number on the caller ID, but I kept my greeting reserved not sure if the voice on the other end of the line would be his or his mother’s. I don’t care to talk to Denise again, at least not right away. Our brief conversation of the night before was less than cordial on both our parts, and I’m sure I’ve put her nose out of joint. So I’m doubly glad that it’s Alex himself.
“Hi, how are you?”
“Great. I told you I was gonna call, so, here I am.”
“Are you home?”
“No, you are, I’m at my mom’s.”
“Clever, Alex, very clever. So, tell me, is everything okay?” I’m not going to beat around the bush at this point.
“Yeah, everything’s okay. I just, I dunno, no, I do know, I needed to go, go ‘in’ for a little bit. I guess if I didn’t have some golf thing this weekend I’d a stayed at Sunset House longer. I just wanted to work something out.”
“Do you mind me asking, have you ever done that before, just gone ‘in’?” I ask.
“No, this was the first time I ever went on my own.”
“And did you work things out for yourself?” I ask.
“Yeah, I did.” I hear him light a cigarette. “Look, Shi, it was dumb of me not to tell you what was goin’ on. I didn’t think that... shit, I didn’t think.”
“It’s okay.” Of course it’s okay, now that I know what was going on. It seems to me as if I made something out of nothing.
“No, it’s not, ‘cause I shoulda let you know, or at least had my mother let you know. Like I said, I didn’t think.” He pauses. “I’m not used to havin’ people wonderin’ where I am. And it was all kinda spur of the moment.”
“I didn’t want to pry,” I say, knowing that it’s a half-truth I’m telling him. I darn well wanted to know where he was, and why. I just didn’t feel comfortable asking. Today is different, though. “Actually, I thought that I might have done or said something that upset you and...”
“Hell no. It was nothin’ like that at all, Shi, you don’t do anything to upset me,” he says. “Not a thing. I wasn’t really upset, it’s just, well, bein’ here again after so long, seein’ people... it got... you know...” I hear him groping for the right word, but it’s not coming.
“Overwhelming?”
“Yeah, exactly. Overwhelming. And then I did that dinner, and that’s always hard seeing sick and dyin’ kids.”
“I’m sure it is,” I say. I’m sure it is, him just mentioning it gives me a shiver, a chill.
“So, I went in. They had a bed and I took it. I was there before, it was the place I did a two week out patient stint just after I got outta rehab. It’s cool. A real peaceful place.”
“Sounds nice,” I say, although I’m more mirroring his mood than expressing my own. He sounds wonderful; upbeat and happy. Whatever place he can go to can come out sounding like this seems pretty good to me, no matter what it is. But I keep seeing something in the vein of a minimum security prison.
“It is. It’s this great big house in the middle of town, you know? Like, you’d never know what it was. Just looks like a house.” He snorts. “Except for the shit load of guys comin’ and goin’ all day.”
“You can come and go?”
“Yeah, well, not for the hardcore cases, but in out patient you can. You can even have a phone with you then, but I kinda wanted to not be disturbed.”
“Wow, I’m sorry, I guess I shouldn’t have called,” I say, and now I feel like an idiot. He DID know what he was doing. David and Nyle were right.
“No, it was cool,” he says. “It was a nice surprise.”
“I don’t have all my etiquette in line,” I tell him. “You’ll have to let me know what I can and can’t do in these situations.”
“You can do anything you like,” he tells me, then he laughs like mad, this wild cackle coming through the line. “I thought about you a lot while I was there. They make you keep your room clean. Make the bed and shit. I had bathroom duty, too, ya know, had to clean up in there everyday. I think you deserve a raise,” he says, and laughs again.
“You? Cleaning?” I can’t help it, the vision of him in my head makes me laugh, too. I see him in big rubber gloves, elbow deep in the toilet.
“I shoulda had someone take pictures. I kept thinkin’ you’d be crackin’ up at me.” Then his voice changes, and he’s dead serious. “I suck at makin’ the bed, but I can clean a sink pretty good.”
“You’ll have to demonstrate for me,” I tell him. “Share your cleanser tips.”
“Dry stuff works better than that soft, soapy crap.”
I laugh so hard it’s squeezing tears from my eyes.
“Hey, Shi, I’m not kidding.”
“I know you’re not, and that’s what’s got me laughing. Alex, you’re a stitch.” And he’s fine. He’s really fine. I believe him now, and I also believe that it’s nothing I’ve said or done that made him decide to take a few days for what amounts to a lot of reflection, or so he says.
“A stitch?”
“Funny, Alex, you’re funny. You make me laugh, and I mean that in good way.” I take a breath and clear my throat. “So, you’re golfing this weekend?”
“Yup. And you and Tish are comin’ next Friday?”
“That’s the rumor.”
“Cool. We’re gonna have a blast, I promise.”
“I’m just coming out there to cook, Alex.”
“Yeah, right. Well, I better call Juliette, then, and get it all set up. I’ll talk to you later, ‘kay?”
“Sure.”
“Shi?”
“What?”
“Thank you.”
“Thank you? For what?” I ask him.
“For everything. Later, babe.”
“Babe?” I ask, ready to give him a hard time about calling me that, but he’s already gone.
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© 2003 Chandrah, Inc.
© 2003 (*> Baby Bird Productions
