“Hunh?”
“That’s what you asked her about. I called her.”
“I thought all that was, uh, whaddaya call it? Confidential?”
“It is unless it’s you. Those of us around you tend to panic when you start voluntarily seeking legal advice. I didn’t ask for details, and I know she wouldn’t give me any.”
“You’re funny this morning,” I tell her.
“And you’re funny every day of the week. So, you found out that you didn’t HAVE a common law marriage. I could have told you that, McLean. Just about anybody could have told you that.”
“I just wanted to be sure. I’m expecting Sarah to come at me with both barrels. I didn’t want her, you know, loaded for freakin’ bear.”
“May I say, that you’re being more petty than usual.”
“You can say whatever you want.” I light a cigarette. She can’t bother me today. I get the feeling that nothing much is gonna bother me today.
“I can? Great. In that case I want you to rethink what you’re doing.”
“I’ve thought about it plenty. Hey, is this you, my PA talkin’ to me, or is this you, Sarah’s buddy speaking to me.”
“That’s a low blow, Alex.”
“Because to me, this sounds like a personal message, not somethin’ my PA, or my lawyer, or even my friend, would say.”
“Alex, she’s sorry about the other night. She didn’t even know that you hurt your foot. You got nasty, and she reacted and it was all a mistake,” Juliette tells me.
“I guess you guys talked about it.” That bugs the shit outta me. On a lotta levels. But not enough to BOTHER me. It just makes me think that I might haveta replace Juliette.
“I had to talk to her, you inferred to me last week that you’re not going to be paying me for whatever I do for Sarah. I had to let her know that.”
“You shoulda waited until today,” I tell her. This is where I’m stupid. This happens time, after time, after time. I get friendly with the people who work for me. I can’t seem to help it. And I have a lot of people who work for me that I gotta be on friendly terms with, like Juliette, my bodyguard Marcus, road managers, PR people, DJ’s, all kindsa people like that. But Juli is, it’s like she’s in too deep now. I don’t want this kinda advice from her, I want her to do her job.
“It didn’t feel right.”
“For you, or for me? You know, if there was gonna be a glitch or snag, I wasn’t gonna go ahead with making these changes. I wanted to make sure, and not from someone who was thinkin’ about anyone else but me. So right now, that makes you NOT that person, ‘cause it’s soundin’ to me like you’re a little too involved in all this.”
“I’m your friend...”
“And you’re her friend, too. Which makes my decision none of your goddamn business. I like you a lot, Juli, you do good work and you’ve stood by me, but this is feelin’ like it’s over the line.”
“Don’t make me have to choose, Alex.”
“I’m not makin’ you do anything but what you’re supposed to be doin’. Part of that is NOT going back and forth between me and Sarah. If she feels bad about somethin’, she has my number, she knows where I live. Same for me.”
“Then call her, Alex, please.”
“No. I’m done with it for now. I don’t want to talk to her. I don’t want to hear how she feels bad. I KNOW she feels bad. I feel bad, too. And this doesn’t have a fuckin’ thing to do with money, or, or wh.. wh.. who’s p.. p.. payin’ the rent.” Shit, damn, fuck. There I go into stuttering. Just what I don’t want to do. I close my eyes for a minute and just take some deep breaths. “Look. Butt out. If you don’t want to hear what I gotta say, then don’t question what I’m doin’. You can come here twice a week and write out the checks and look through my mail and whatever the hell else needs to be done. But d.. d.. don’t get between what’s goin’ on with me and Sarah. Okay?”
I can’t believe that I got all that out. I can’t believe that I really mean it. I don’t think Juliette thinks that I mean it, either.
“Do you have the letter for me to sign?” She passes me a piece of paper. It’s just a couple of lines. I gotta admit, it’s cold. Formal. Just a cut and dried explanation of what I’m doing, without a lot of ‘whys’. I know why. Sarah will, too. If she doesn’t already. Shit. I look up at Juliette. “Is there any point in me sendin’ this, or did you tell her what’s comin’ when you talked to her about you’re situation?”
“She already knows.”
I pick up a pen and sign off.
“I should fucking fire you for that,” I tell her as I scrawl my signature along the bottom of the page. “You mail this, DO NOT carry it over there. I want it to go, you know, the way you get a signature on it.”
“Registered.”
“Yup. And I wanna see the signature.” I fold the page and stuff it into the envelope. “You really pissed me off about this. Stop trying to help.”
I start in on the checks, but there are only a few. Nothing major, just some money shifting around in some accounts, a few miscellaneous things for the house, and Shi’s check stub. Her money is already in her account, this is just a formality.
“That it?” I toss the pen on the desk. As far as I’m concerned, that’s it.
“That’s it.”
“I’ll talk to Denise later today. Anything else?”
“No.” She starts to place the checks in their envelopes.
“Then I got things to do.” I make to get up, but Juliette puts the paperwork down.
“Wait a minute, would you?”
“What?”
“I’m sorry, Alex. I didn’t mean for this to come off, or even come out the way it has.”
“I’m sorry, too, ‘cause now I can’t trust you. I, like, I thought you were on my side. There aren’t a lotta people there. I know that this is my fault, how things are turnin’ out. I know that I’ve done some real wrong things, and I’m sorry for every single one of ‘em. But I’m not sorry that, that the wedding didn’t happen. I’m not.” And I’m saying this out loud, shocking the hell outta myself. Because it’s EXACTLY how I feel. I’m NOT sorry. I’m damned relieved. What I’m sorry about is all the fall out I’m dealin’ with. “See, and I’m tellin’ you this, and I have no idea whether you’re gonna keep it you yourself or go run and tell Sarah.”
“I’m not going to...”
“I don’t know that now, not for sure.”
“Alex,” and she closes her eyes and I can see her whole body go tense, even her hands ball up into fists. “Alex, you’re right about one thing, you shouldn’t be telling me any of this. You should be telling Sarah. She’s in the dark about what your intentions are. I don’t even know what they are, and don’t, please, DO NOT tell me. Tell her.”
“Ya know, Juli, I appreciate that, but it’s not true. Sarah knows. She just doesn’t like what she’s hearin’.” And that’s as true as it gets. Sarah hasn’t liked anything she’s heard from me in a long, long time. I admit, for a long time I wasn’t straight with her, because I was confused. I’m still confused about things, but even as far back as when we did the interview for US, where I spilled my guts to half the world, I was gettin’ more of a clear picture about what I was doin’ and why I was doin’ it. Clearer than I’d been in a long time.
I asked Sarah to marry me for the wrong reasons. I didn’t have the guts to bail outta the wedding in a ‘nice’ way, although, to be honest, I didn’t see any ‘nice’ way of doin’ it. Funny enough, it all ended up being ugly truth time. The truth was, I didn’t want to be married. The truth was I didn’t want to be alone, either. I just wanted to live with Sarah the way we were. And because I couldn’t, or wouldn’t, step in and own up to what I was feelin’, here we are. Now, I know I love her. I love Sarah. I always will. But I’m not so sure I like her anymore. I’m not so sure about her, about what she wanted, or wants. And half the time, I’m still so confused about it, I don’t even want to think about it.
The one thing I do know is that I don’t want to feel stupid about this forever. Forever is a fuckin’ long time. This whole thing has me feelin’ inferior. Not that I don’t deserve it, but I can’t feel that way all the damn time, and it seems to me that THAT is the only thing that’s gonna make Sarah happy right now. Not apologies, shit, I apologized until I was blue in the face. Words. Lots of words. No, she doesn’t want that. She wants me to hurt like she hurts. And she doesn’t understand that I DO hurt, that I DO feel humiliated for what I’ve done, it’s just that, well, fuck it, and then what? What do I do now? Do I sit here and eat shit and be ashamed until she’s just damn well ready to take me back? And then what? Does it all go back to the way it was? Do we get married and be the happy, perfect couple?
I mean, she’s all into her career. Finally. That took long enough. She didn’t do jack with it for about a year and a half, but all of a sudden that’s her focus. Fine. No problem. I liked that about her, that we did the same thing, that we were lookin’ for some of the same things, that we both got a rush bein’ performers. It was a big part of why I was attracted to her in the first place. Like something comfortable and familiar.
But, shit, please, now she wants to exclude me from that, too. Exclude and keep me away from this and that part of her life, but have me around to make sure that her bills are paid and that I’m there if and when she decides to come around and see me.
“No, Alex, she doesn’t like what she’s hearing. I wasn’t going to say anything about this, but she’s been hearing some things she’s REALLY upset about.”
“Please, Juliette, enough for today. God knows what else I’ve done to piss her off. Let’s just let this go...”
“She knows that you’ve been seeing other women.”
“Bullshit.”
“Not bullshit.”
“Don’t bring up the Playboy crap, she’s already had that out with me, and I’m not stoppin’ goin’ there just ‘cause she don’t like it.”
“It’s not that, it’s specific. Summer Altice.”
“She’s a friend.” Now who told Sarah about that?
“You were seen with her.”
“I can be seen with a LOT of people, Juli. Doesn’t mean I’m dating ‘em, doesn’t mean I’m fuckin’ ‘em. By the way, you CAN pass that on.” I get up, I’ve had enough. More than enough. I’m in a good mood and now this. I’m still borderline, and figure if I can get the hell outta the house for a while, go shop, whatever, I’ll be fine. “I don’t know, Juli... it’s really shitty that you decided to do what you did, and yeah, I guess you have to make a decision, and so do I. Have a good weekend. I guess we can figure this all out on Tuesday.”
“Alex...”
“No more. Tuesday.” And I leave her sitting there because I don’t want to look at her any more. I don’t know how I can make this work with her now. I don’t know what she’s talked to Sarah about. Women. They get tight.
Fuck it.
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© 2003 Chandrah, Inc.
© 2003 (*> Baby Bird Productions, Inc.
