It’s quiet outside. The pool house is dark. The only thing I hear out there is the sound of the ocean, and even that seems far away. I’d turn on some music, but I don’t want to listen to anything. Not even the radio, especially NOT the radio. Never know what’s gonna come out of it, and most days it pisses me off. I don’t like stumbling on my own voice. There was a time when I did. There was a time when hearin’ myself on the radio was close to bein’ a turn on. Now it upsets me.
I think I’m a little upset tonight, anyway. The whole day was a waste of time, what with not bein’ able to play golf and hangin’ out with Rene, who, I gotta tell ya, is boring the shit out of me, I might as well have stayed home. The meeting sucked. Then I over ate. Big time.
And then there was Shi.
I kinda had the idea in my head that Shi wasn’t really paying too much attention to me. Not like, you know, not like ignoring me, or not doing her job, but that she wasn’t tryin’ to get to know me. For the past month she’s pretty much kept her distance, even when we’ve done things together. But tonight, I got the feeling that she really has been paying attention to me, to little things. Details. Like she pays attention around the house here.
I mean, she about blew me away with her understanding how much pressure I have in my life. Don’t get me wrong, my life is good. It’s very good in a lot of ways and I understand why people might look at me and wonder what the hell could be wrong. I’ve got plenty of money, a nice house, some great cars, I’m famous; lots and lots of good, hell, great things have happened to me. I can go to the best places. I’ve been all over the world, seen things most people never see. I get it, how someone might look into my life and see all the things I have, and all the opportunities and never, EVER see that there’s a lot of pressure that comes along with it all. I didn’t expect Shi to see that pressure. I didn’t expect anything from her but a clean house and three meals a day.
But she gets it. She does. And it made me feel funny. I still feel funny about it and I’m not sure why. Maybe because so many people don’t understand what it’s like to have that kind of pressure in their life. My family does, kind of. And the people I work with do for sure, because they have the same pressure to deal with, too. I guess it’s just been different for me, ‘cause I’m the one that caved in to it.
I don’t think I like knowing that Siobhan understands that part of it, too. Or that I think she feels sorry for me.
Her hand. I can still feel the way her hand touched mine, right there at the table. It felt familiar. I’ve felt that kind of touch before, and while I appreciate it and all, I don’t like it too much when people feel sorry for me. ‘Cause sometimes, a lot of the time, it makes me feel sorry for myself. Like right now, that’s exactly how I’m feelin’.
I pull myself up. I’m not gonna sleep. It’s not gonna happen tonight. I did somethin’ wrong today, I don’t know what that might have been, but it’s set me all wrong. Now my mind’s buzzin’ and it’s hard to sleep, shit, it’s hard to be still when my head starts going. I got a TV here in the bedroom, but I don’t like to watch it in here anymore. Sarah and I used to watch it in bed, and most times we’d end up having sex while we were watchin’ god knows what, so layin’ here alone, not having sex, not even having the feelings for sex, not wanting it, it drives me crazy.
It’s not too late to go out. I could throw on some clothes and head out for a few hours. But I don’t know where to go. Tonight, doin’ that seems like a huge confusion.
I wanna talk to Shi.
She went home not long after dinner. Drank her coffee, cleaned up the kitchen and left. Had to go be with Tish. I know that. I know that she has to do that, and that it’s normal and everything, but I would have liked to have her stay in the kitchen with me longer and just sit at the table with me.
And hold my hand.
I want someone to hold my hand tonight. Okay, I want someone to hold my hand most nights. Or even better, someone to hold ME. But I’d take the hand-holding. And I’d take it from Shi, ‘cause even though I’m not happy about how it felt, what it made me feel, I’d rather have that than nothing at all. And right now, wandering around this huge, dark house, nothing at all is pretty grim.
I stand on the stairs and look down to the pool house, and I’m kinda hopin’ that I’ll see a light, or even see Shi out in the yard, like I did the other night. Shit, even if she was cryin’ hysterical I’d be out there in a heartbeat tonight, just to not be alone. Besides, she’s pretty good company, anyway. I kinda like bein’ with her, even when she’s annoying the shit out of me, like she did about the furniture that day. It was cool to go shopping, but it sucked that she hated everything I liked. What sucked worse: she was right. The stuff she helped me pick out looks great in the house. I like it. Like the bed, the table, the chairs; like all of it. So even though she can be a pain about shit, and even though she made me real, real uncomfortable tonight, I’d still take her company tonight rather than bein’ alone.
I hate bein’ alone.
And I miss the dogs. I was wrong about that. Sarah hasn’t contacted me about them at all. Maybe when she gets the vet bill she will. But maybe she won’t. I don’t know how I feel about that, other than I miss the dogs. That’s a lie. I know how I feel about it; I just don’t want to feel it at all.
Sarah hates me.
She has every reason to, too. And it’s not like I want her back the way it was, I don’t. I don’t want her hangin’ around; I don’t really want her livin’ here again. I just don’t want her to hate me. I’d like to be able to go over to her place and see her and see the dogs. Maybe talk, as long as it isn’t about her ‘career’, or who she’s doin’ what with. We could talk about the weather, about the dogs, about bullshit, though, and that would be okay.
And it would be okay if I heard from one of the guys. I mean, I know that Brian doesn’t live out here right now, he’s back in Georgia with his wife, and the new baby, and all. And I know that Howie’s not here right now. And that Kevin is in New York, and Nick is touring. But it would be cool if one of them called, or came out here to hang out. Even just for a day. I think they hate me, too, and I don’t want them to hate me. If I could change everything that’s happened, I would. But I can’t. Still, I don’t know how much longer I can deal with the silent treatment they’re all givin’ me. Just a call, even, would be okay.
I’m sittin’ on the stairs now, just lookin’ out the window. Nothin’ goin’ on out there. Nothin’ at all. I guess Shi is asleep and that she ain’t wakin’ up any time soon. That must be great, to be able to get over your own shit so quick and sleep and just get on with things. I mean, I think that she’s really somethin’ else, pickin’ up and movin’ out here by herself. I’d probably just still be sittin’ in my own shit feelin’ sorry for myself that my marriage fucked up.
Kinda like I am right now, only I never even got to the marriage part.
Shit.
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I can’t sleep tonight. Nothing noteworthy, I just feel restless. But I’m not going to move. I’ve learned that if I’m awake at night, feeling like this, the worst thing for me to do is to get up and start wandering around. Only in cases of extreme distress does that work as a narcotic. When I’m just restless I either turn on the light and read or lay down with my eyes closed and try to think of nothing disturbing. Thinking of nothing AT ALL is a concept that has eluded me. I don’t even understand how to do it. I can’t empty my mind. Sometimes I can make myself NOT think about certain things by replacing the offending or bothersome thought with a pleasant one, but that’s not always the case.
Tonight, though, my thoughts are not disturbing, it’s just that my brain is awake and wants to stay that way. In fact, my thoughts are rather nice and I’m not minding being awake, I’m minding that my body will be up way before my head is in the morning.
I want to try to get to Payson Library some time tomorrow. I’m sure I can fit it in between some grocery shopping and a trip to the dry cleaners. Juliette is coming tomorrow, too, and I get paid. I might even take a look around a bookstore I found in the local shopping center. It’s primarily metaphysics and New Age type things, but the window looked enticing to me the day I was down there with Alex, and I want to go back on my own.
I want to get something for him. Something, oh, something lucky. He needs something lucky. Nothing huge, just a little something he could even carry around with him, like a stone, or an amulet. It’s not like me to subscribe to a lot of mumbo jumbo, but sometimes we could all use a little luck. A blessing. And seeing as I’ve yet to find evidence of what Alex may or may not believe in, a lucky charm couldn’t hurt.
He’s so sad. Such a sad little man, here in his great big house. The old me would have noticed it and ignored it. The new me can’t do that. I can’t ignore him, and I’ve tried. He’s too pathetic. What makes it worse is seeing how he can be just the opposite. He was quite comfortable with Mickie, and with Mindi. He seems relaxed in a crowd. But on nights like tonight, when I can see the loneliness in him, well, it’s hard for me not to just reach out and hug him, because I want to comfort that loneliness when I see it. Just like I would want to comfort Tish.
I feel like I understand a bit more of him every day, and the more I understand him, and things about him, the more I feel a sort of compassion for him.
I know that I have a certain amount of pride. After I had Tish, a lot of my pride, that ‘false’ pride we all have, went away. I would do anything for Tish, anything at all, and my ‘pride’ can never get in the way of that. But when I caught Errol cheating on me, my deep-seated pride, that personal pride I have as an individual, got severely tried and tested. It got pricked, no, torn, and that hurt a lot. There was only one thing I was grateful for, and that was that no one where we lived really ‘knew’ me, so Errol’s cheating and the aftermath of it all wasn’t a matter of public gossip. At least none that I ever knew of.
So when Alex was trying to explain to me that his problems are frequently, if not perpetually, on display to the immediate world, I found it not only abhorrent and distasteful, but something almost hurtful. Something I would find unbearable.
Yet he takes it as a matter of course.
Laying here in the dark, I find that I have to give Alex a lot more credit than I have, for sheer nerve and emotional stamina. I suppose he’s made his mistakes in dealing with whatever has happened to him, but I want to try and not hold those mistakes against him. He’s a likable enough person, when he’s not whining or pitching a fit. But understanding a little more about his life, it’s no wonder that he pitches the occasional fit or two.
I turn over to my side and nestle into my pillow. Sleep is starting to come. I feel the heaviness of it in my feet and legs. I feel it start its slow ascent through my limbs, and embrace the feeling.
Yes. Tomorrow I’m going to go to the library and see what I can see. Hopefully Nyle will be there again. She seems to be a very interesting person. Another person that I feel I should get to know, like Mickie and Mindi.
And I’m going to find Alex a charm, something to keep his spirits up, because they seem to be headed back in the other direction lately. Up, down; up, down. Time to focus on the ‘up’.
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© 2003 Chandrah, Inc.
© 2003 (*> Baby Bird Productions, Inc.
