Bottom line: this was a mistake.
I’m standin’ in the back, upstairs. Near the bar. I coulda stayed on the first floor and watched this on the monitors from a less, I dunno, conspicuous point, but no, I came straight upstairs. For once, bein’ late worked for me. It’s been the only good thing about bein’ here, ‘cause Sarah was already on stage, and no one was really payin’ attention to the people comin’ and goin’. So no one paid any attention to me.
At least not right away.
They’re startin’ to notice me now, though. A few glances. A few female heads leanin’ in to each other to hear themselves shout over the music. ‘Cause it’s loud. It’s loud up in this room and I’m glad that there are enough people on the dance floor area for me to hide behind. From back here I can watch everything.
I don’t like a damn thing I see.
‘Cause what I see, or more like who I see, is Sarah’s old boyfriend. The one before me. I’ve run into him a coupla times out here, this Devante guy, and he’s been cool, and I’ve been cool, but it’s not cool at all. In fact, the last time I saw him was at that last event that Sarah showed up for without tellin’ me that she was showin’ up. Something clicks in my head about that now. About him, and them, and him here, and him there, and maybe that’s why she went to that party that night. And I don’t like any of it. Not one fuckin’ thing about it.
So it’s puttin’ me on edge, and I’m already edgy enough just bein’ here knowing that I’m not supposed to be here. And that people are startin’ to recognize me.
I look for Juliette, and see her on the other side of the room. She doesn’t see me. She doesn’t see me watchin’ her talk to a table full of guys that I know are exec’s. They all look alike, record company dicks. They look like they have no business bein’ in a club, while they hold your nuts in their grubby hands. They’re all watchin’ Sarah and Juliette is gabbin’ away, and I know, I KNOW, that Juliette has kinda lured me here tonight as some kinda punishment.
Again. More punishment. This is the payback, the payback for the fight I had with Juli. Her small way to rip my guts up. I get to watch Sarah cut her deal. I get to watch Sarah do that with that Devante guy by her side.
Not the fuck if I can help it.
And I’m gettin’ ready to make my exit when I get cornered by a goddamn fan.
This was such a major mistake.
I make nice, though. I make very nice. And before I can disengage from this one fan, I got three more to deal with. The questions, the way they gush; I wanna puke. Instead I just lie. Lie about how I feel about bein’ here. Lie about how I feel, period. Lie about anything they ask. I don’t want them up in my business. They, these fans, all these fans, they’re way too up in my business to begin with. Seems like they know every fuckin’ thing about me, about Sarah, about me and Sarah, and all I can think is ‘how?’. How can they know all this shit?
And all my questions become sort of irrelevant as the set ends and Sarah babbles her thanks into the mike. She gushes. And the kids in this room, they lap it up. They’re a lot of the same kids that have been to the coupla gigs Sarah’s done over the past, I dunno, year or so. Not all, and some of the more noticeable ones, the ones I know from backstage at Backstreet shows, they’re not there, or I haven’t seen them yet, or they haven’t seen me.
I know it’s time to go and I can’t make my feet leave. Instead, I follow Sarah with my eyes, watch as her and her guitarist, Robin, head for the exec table. Devante is lost in the crowd, and the crowd is leaving. This was an early showcase and there’s at least four more acts and these people here, at least a large chunk of them, aren’t here for anything but this showcase.
Juliette gets up and leaves, too. She gets up and heads straight towards me, blockin’ my view of the table. And when she’s in front of me, she moves to one side and puts her mouth near my ear.
“Time to go,” she says, but her hand on my arm keeps me in place. And my view to the table is clear. And I see Sarah sittin’ up the way that she does when she’s usin’ her tits to make an impression; back straight, boobs forward. Her arm around Robin’s shoulder. And Robin is doin’ all the talkin’. And her arm is around Robin’s shoulder. This guy has been in my house. In my studio. Eaten my food. Hell, I even jammed with him a little. We talked about writin’ songs together. And her arm is around Robin’s shoulder.
And Sarah sees me. No smile, no nod, nothing. But I know she sees me and her chin lifts and her head turns to the men at the table. Her tits push out farther, her smile is HUGE and it’s that fake ass smile I’ve seen on her face too many times to count. And her arm is around Robin’s shoulders.
“Let’s get outta here,” Juliette says, and now she’s nudging me.
I want to stay. Now I want to stay and watch. I want to watch this to the bitter fuckin’ end. Only Juli is pushin’ harder now and we’re out in the lobby and I hear someone say my name and I know that it IS time to get outta here.
There’s a group of girls in front of the building and I recognize every one of them. Worse, I see Roxanne. And she sees me. Juli does her best. She does. Fuck the parkin’ and the valet and shit. She’s just tryin’ to get me to my car, hell, I just wanna get there, and I end up in the middle of these girls and havin’ to say how great the show was and how great Sarah looked, sounded, is. I’m making assurances that are bullshit. Tellin’ them that I was there to support Sarah. Tellin’ them that I’ll always support her, and thinkin’ that it’s sorta true, ‘cause if she doesn’t cut a deal tonight I’ll probably be payin’ her bills until the end of time. Roxanne is makin’ this face at me and I’m tempted to flip her off, but I’m bein’ nice ‘cause I have to be nice.
“I’ll get your car,” Juli says.
“No, I’m comin’,” I tell her, and I just say g’night to the gathering group and leave. My car is behind the club. I paid the valet there two bills for him to keep my Porsche to the side in the full lot.
It’s quiet when we get around the building. Sort of quiet. More quiet than loud. We can still hear the thump of music from inside the club, but it’s muffled to me. Distant.
Juli is quiet, too, and I’m glad ‘cause I don’t wanna talk.
My car is right up front. I slip the valet another bill and he hands me my keys.
“You okay?” Juliette asks.
“Yeah.” Not really true, not really a lie. I’m in between.
“Sure?”
“Yeah. I’m just gonna go home.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow then,” she tells me.
That’s right. Tomorrow is Friday. I get into my car. I don’t know if Juliette is gonna stay or leave, I can’t tell, and I really don’t care. I make some face, I think it’s a smile, and she bends in through the window and kisses my cheek. She says somethin’, I don’t know what, and then I pull out of the lot slow. There are other cars comin’ and goin’ and I just ease around them until I can get onto Sunset and get out of there.
I drive a ways, headin’ home. And I get stopped by a red light. It’s only then that I feel somethin’ in my hand, and it hurts like a sonofabitch. I let go of the steering wheel and look, expecting to see a cut, somethin’, and all I see is the key ring Shi gave me just before I left the house tonight. It’s stuck into my skin, makin’ a dent in the palm of my hand. I don’t know when I grabbed onto it, I don’t remember doin’ it, the thing was just sittin’ in my pocket and I’d forgotten it was there, but, maybe, well, I guess I didn’t, ‘cause here it is.
Someone beeps at me from behind.
The light changed.
~~**~~**~~***~~**~~**~~
My house is silent. Shi locked up for me, and remembered to leave lights on so I wouldn’t be in the dark when I got back home. I toss my jacket on the stairs, I’ll pick it up when I go to bed. And then I go into the kitchen.
I never ate. I’m not really hungry, but I’m thirsty. There’s plenty of stuff cold in the fridge and I grab at anything. I don’t care, I’m just thirsty and want something cold and wet. I sit at the table, light a cigarette, and take my keys outta my pocket, along with the ring Shi gave me.
I move the keys to the Porsche onto the ring. Doesn’t take long, it’s only two. And I move the auto alarm over, too. Then I take out my house keys and put them on the ring. I think I’ll be drivin’ the Porsche more, I enjoyed it tonight. It’s small and black and has smoked windows. I like it, shit, I bought it, so I must like it, but I don’t drive it much. I always drove the Mercedes in Florida. And then I did again when I got out here, that and the Lexus. And then there were the Jeeps and stuff, but I really dig the Porsche.
Everything feels different.
I don’t feel upset or anything. Just different. Calm, actually, and that’s about as different as it gets.
There’s no hope for me and Sarah. I see that now. I didn’t want to see it. But I see it now and it doesn’t feel as bad as I thought it would. She doesn’t want me, and I can’t say that I blame her. And it doesn’t mean that I’ll never talk to her, or see her again, or try and be, you know, civil to her, ‘cause I will. It’s not really in me to cut people out of my life. I don’t have enough people in my life right now to do that without being more alone than I already am.
And I’m still payin’ for Sarah, ya know, so there’ll be that reminder of her. Like the very house is a reminder of her. I could sell it, I could move. Wouldn’t be the first time. But this isn’t a good time to do that. I only just unloaded the Florida house about six months ago and took a bite in the ass over it, so it’s not a good time to ditch this place.
I think I need to get away, though. Not forever, just for a while.
There’s probably a golf thing goin’ on somewhere. Somethin’ that’ll take a week of my time. Then I have that shit in Florida to do, so that’s good.
I need to get busy. ‘Cause sittin’ in this house isn’t the best idea for me right now. I know that some of me is still a little numb about tonight, and that tomorrow more of it will hit me. Juliette might have somethin’ to tell me about how it went for Sarah, and that will just be more icing to the cake. So plannin’ a little time away is probably a good thing. Shit, I could even get that asshole Rene to tag along. Or maybe I could scare up Marcus, my old bodyguard, if he’s not busy. Hell, he just did the golf thing with me in January, and if I do somethin’ like that he’s good to have around.
It’s soundin’ better and better. Maybe we could do Vegas. I haven’t been to Vegas in a long, long time, and I dig it there.
My fingers play with the dark, shiny stone that’s dangling from the key chain. I like the feel of it. The color. I couldn’t have picked a better stone myself if I’da been pickin’. Shi. She’s somethin’ else.
I hope she doesn’t mind bein’ here alone for a while.
I didn’t think of that. Hell, she’d probably love bein’ here alone without me here and havin’ to pick up and take care and do all the shit she does. Kinda like a vacation for her. Not that there’s not stuff that needs to get done. There’s the garden, the pool, the lawn; the usual shit. But there wouldn’t be the laundry and the cleanin’ and the cookin’ and...
And that makes me a little sad. I don’t know why, but it does. And it’s stupid.
Time for bed. I’ll sleep on it. It’s fuckin’ early but I feel done in and I think I need to sleep on this plan before I say anything to anyone. But I’m still feelin’ that it’s time for a little road trip.
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© 2003 Chandrah, Inc.
© 2003 (*> Baby Bird Productions, Inc.
