Goin’ to a shrink used to be a real pain in my ass, but I kinda got used to it. The every day thing was a total drag, and that asshole they had out on the road with me, well, that was the problem, he was a complete asshole. I sorta knew that at the time, but when I hooked up with this other guy here in LA, then it really became clear to me that there’s a big difference between some idiot they hire to baby sit you and a, a professional.
So I figure if I can go in and talk about this for an hour today, I can be okay with bein’ away in May. I can be okay with the schedule and everything. The ‘everything’ includes having to make meetings out of state, keepin’ in touch with my sponsor, and havin’ my ‘sessions’ over the phone. It won’t be easy. That may be the most difficult part of it, that it won’t be easy and convenient. I’m used to convenient. I’m used to having what I want when I want it. And that’s a bad habit.
I’m fallin’ into that habit with Shi.
My fault, I know that, but it’s a hard thing to stop. Hey, I figure that if I’m just aware of what I’m doin’ I’m ahead of the game, ya know? There were years and years that I did stupid shit and didn’t know why, or even that it was stupid. If I can nip stupid in the bud, I’m doin’ okay.
So today is the day to do that. And it doesn’t matter that I stayed up all night over it and I’m dog tired. I’m gonna haveta stay up and deal with this.
I’ve weighed it all out, too. I hope I’ve got it ‘right’.
I think it would be way, WAY dumb of me to put any pressure on Shi. She doesn’t have a clue that I’m crushin’ on her. And she doesn’t have to. I already know that it would be bad all the way around if I pressed that point. I’d lose her, what little I have of her, and that seems worse, ya know? It seems worse to not have her at all than to have her here and completely oblivious to what’s goin’ on with my feelings. What do they call that? You know, cuttin’ off your nose to spite your face.
And I think that puttin’ some distance here, between me and her, wouldn’t be so bad. There’s another saying, ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’. I think that’s it. It means that when you’re away from someone, something, you want it more.
I think that’s total bullshit. I think bein’ away from somethin’ can make you forget that it’s there. So I’m gonna go with that. Not that I want to forget Shi, I don’t. And I doubt that I will no matter how many friggin’ miles I put between us. But it’ll make me kinda forget the crush part of it. Maybe I’ll come back here and she’ll just be Shi, the housekeeper. Who knows. I sure don’t. But I think it would be bad if I started changin’ plans just to hang around here. I can see myself doin’ that, and fuckin’ up big time.
Damn, I’m tired.
I’m tired from thinkin’, I’m tired from stayin’ up all night. It’s early in the morning, but I know that there’s coffee downstairs, like there always is.
I brush my teeth, splash some warm water on my face. I look bad. I look like I haven’t slept. My eyes, damn, they just look scary. I drop a little Visine in them, squint, try to relax them. I’ll have some coffee, take a shower, call the doctor, then maybe take a nap outside. It’s sunny out; another great day.
Wish I felt great.
I hear her before I see her. She’s in the kitchen. Why that didn’t occur to me that she’d be there is beyond me, she’s there every morning. It’s the middle of the week, so I don’t think she’s making a shoppin’ list or anything, I think she’s just there, waiting to see if I’m gonna show up for breakfast.
It occurs to me how fucked up that is, and that’s she’s never said anything about it. Not that she would, I guess, I’m the boss and what I say goes. God, I don’t like that at all, though. I don’t want to be her ‘boss’, I want to be her, her, well, at least her friend. I want it to be more, I don’t know, casual. Shit, I don’t know what I want, but her waitin’ on me seems wrong and dumb.
I creep up on the doorway so she doesn’t see me, or hear me. She’s there, standin’ at the counter with her coffee, lookin’ out the window at the yard. I must’ve seen her like that a hundred times. ‘Course, she hasn’t been here that long. But it seems like it. Seems like she’s been standin’ in this kitchen forever.
She’s got her hair pinned up today, with a lot of tight little curls all on her neck. Makes my lips twitch. I’d like to kiss every one of those curls. Just come up behind her and put my arms around her and press my mouth to each one of them. Just lay my head there for a few hours.
Not gonna happen.
“’Mornin’,” I say.
“Hey, there, oh dear, what happened?” she asks me.
She only turned to say good morning. I must look like hell.
“Didn’t sleep,” I tell her.
“Do you feel sick?” She comes close and puts a hand out. She touches my forehead with her palm, my cheeks with the backs of her fingers and it makes me shiver. “You’re sick,” she declares.
“No, I’m okay. I just stayed up al...”
“You’ve got a fever, I can feel it,” she insists. She puts her hand on my face again, then to the back of my neck. Her eyes are darting back and forth. “Come here, please,” she says, and her hand pulls my head down and her lips touch my forehead now and I shiver again. “Back to bed,” she tells me.
“I’m not sic...”
“Care to wager on that?” she says, and she prods me along the hall.
“I’ll just lay down in the den,” I tell her. “I don’t want to go back to bed. I’ll watch TV or somethin’.”
“Fine. I’m getting a thermometer. And some Tylenol, too.”
I lay down on the sofa. It’s cool in here, cold in the house; she must have the air conditioner crankin’. I pull the blanket down over me and grope for the TV remote. Christ, my feet are like ice. I didn’t notice it before.
I’m just drifting off and Shi comes back with her hands full.
“You don’t have a thermometer, but there’s these strips from the first aid kit in the kitchen,” she says.
Hell, I didn’t even know I had a first aid kit. She sticks a strip of somethin’ on my forehead and tells me to sit up so I can take the pills in her hand. My head feels weird.
“My head feels weird,” I tell her.
“It should, you’re running a pretty high fever. One hundred and two. Nice. No wonder you were so out of sorts last night.” She peels the strip off my head and crumples it in her hand. “Take the Tylenol. Drink the juice, yes, all of it. I’ll get a bottle of water for you, but you need to get some sleep.”
“I’m sorry I was such an asshole.”
“It’s okay.” She pats me on the arm. I grab her wrist.
“Shi, don’t go.”
“Heck no, I’ll be here all day,” she tells me. She twists her hand around and holds mine, squeezes it. “Just get some sleep.”
Shi’s the one who lets go. I watch her as she moves around the room, closing the shutters that she probably opened when she got here, turning out the lights, putting the TV on low volume. She smiles at me once more before she leaves. Then I hear her in the living room, doing the same things she did in here, making this whole end of the house dark and quiet.
I’m sick. I didn’t even know I was sick. I didn’t feel sick until Shi made a point of telling me, I just thought I was tired. I’ve felt THIS tired before, so I didn’t think it had anything to do with a fever or anything like that. I just thought that I was miserable because of everything I’ve been thinkin’ ‘bout, not ‘cause I’m really, you know, sick.
I haven’t been sick in a long time. Not like this. A cold, yeah, sore throats, stomach problems. I get stomach problems a lot, or I did. Sometimes it was nerves. Sometimes it’s been related to medications, stuff that’s just eaten me up from the inside out. But I haven’t had a fever in a long, long time. Shi was right. No wonder I was such a dick yesterday. This was comin’ on and I didn’t even know it. I just thought that everything was gettin’ to me. Who knows. I’m so used to not feelin’ right, sometimes I don’t know what’s bein’ caused by my head, or what’s being caused by a germ.
So stupid. So, so stupid some days.
And now, now that I know what’s wrong, I’m relaxed. I can feel it. I’m rubbery from my ankles to my shoulders. My head feels heavy and weird, like it’s not a part of my body anymore. And I’m fucking exhausted. Achy, too. Like all my joints are sore. Cold. Shivery cold.
Something heavy drops on me. I open an eye; didn’t even know my eyes were closed. Shi has put a heavier blanket on me, a comforter. She tucks it around my feet, rubs them a little bit. She knows. She knows fuckin’ everything, I think. Sometimes she knows what I want before I want it.
“Sorry, close your eyes,” she tells me, her voice a whisper.
“Thanks,” I mumble. I’d say more but I can’t, I’m too tired and I’m fallin’ asleep. Slowly. I can feel bits and pieces of me checkin’ out. Can’t feel my knees, my hands. This is nice, even if I’m sick I don’t feel as shitty as I did twenty minutes ago. And I know why. ‘Cause Shi is here takin’ care of me. ‘Cause I’m just a big baby and I want her here takin’ care of me and she is.
“Shh,” she says, and then she’s gone again, on silent feet. I don’t hear her leave, I feel it, I feel her go. But it’s not too bad, she’s not too far. Just in the kitchen. Sittin’ in ‘her’ seat, the one next to mine. Not across; next to. So sometimes I can ‘accidentally’ touch my knee to hers. It happens, when you sit next to someone. Just a touch every once in a while.
Hmm.
Now I don’t know about May. I don’t know. It seemed clear to me just minutes before. Distance. Absence. Time. Put some time between me and this woman who doesn’t know what I know. Doesn’t know that I want her. I want her. There, that’s ONE thing Shi doesn’t know, in that all knowin’ head of hers. I want her. I want her with me, I want her here in this house when I’m here, and I want her here when I’m not. I want her waitin’ for me. I want her at my kitchen table every morning, and every night. I want her, want her, want her.
And there’s another thing she don’t know. She didn’t get it. I said ‘don’t go’ and she thought I meant today. I meant not ever.
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© 2003 Chandrah, Inc.
© 2003 (*> Baby Bird Productions, Inc.
