“Hi,” Alex says.
“Hello. I thought I’d check in on you,” I say.
“I’m okay. This is Summer. Summer, this is Shi.”
“Hi,” the girl says, extending a hand to me.
“Hi.” Alex is fine. Better than when I left him. He still has that white, pasty look a person gets when they’ve been feverish, but other than that he’s fine. I find myself relieved.
“Summer called and I asked her to come over,” Alex says.
“Good, I’m glad you’re feeling better. Do you need anything?”
“Got it covered,” Alex tells me.
“Fine. Nice to meet you,” I tell Summer. “Goodnight.”
A small chorus of ‘goodnights’ follows me through the house to the kitchen. The remains of a pizza are there, and I automatically go to the cupboard to find plastic bags to put the leftovers in. No one’s eaten much, there’s almost an entire pie here. I doubt that Alex was up to it, so Summer must have indulged. Once I have the remnants of their meal stowed, I put the dirty plates into the dishwasher and check the coffee pot. It’s all rote to me now; I do it all without thinking about it, wanting to leave the kitchen in some order for the morning. Tomorrow is Saturday, and but for a cursory drop in to make sure Alex has everything ‘covered’, I won’t be up here tomorrow.
My mind drifts as I work. I remember Summer. She was the girl who was here one morning not long after I started working. I guess she’s a friend, or better yet, a ‘friend with benefits’ as we used to say in what Alex and his young companion might call ‘the olden days’. Who knows, maybe they still say it. I give an internal shrug and find myself smiling.
So much for Mr. M’s plans to sleep.
I have my own plans to sleep. I’m tired. It’s been a long day after a stressful week, and even though I’m feeling no pain from my gin and tonics I’m done in. I turn out most of the kitchen lights, leaving on the nightlight that I usually leave burning, and let myself out.
The evening is warm. Tonight the breeze is blowing high above me, coming from over the hills. I pause for a moment and look out to the ocean. Yes. It’s possible to see that far from here. Even at night. And yes, there are tiny, dark figures moving on the sand. If there’s a nice piece of moon, I’m sure a person could see more. I’m sure if a person were in the upper portion of the house, they could command quite a view.
I don’t want to go inside, it’s too beautiful out. There’s a candle on the small table on the strip of a patio in front of the pool house. I sit there and light it, the flame flaring for a moment, then settling to leave a glowing circle. I take out my cigarettes and light myself one on the weak bit of fire from the candle. Another gust of warm breeze makes the light flicker. No, it’s too nice an evening to go in, and now I’m slightly annoyed that I ended my own evening short.
David had invited me to stroll on the beach and I turned him down. I turned him down to get back here and check on someone who obviously is quite capable of taking care of himself, despite his earlier state, despite his plea for my promise to check up on him. Well, I’ve checked and he’s fine. More than fine, as far as I’m concerned.
And this will be the last time I do that, that I cut my time short to accommodate Alex. No, not just Alex, anyone.
For the better part of the evening the ‘old me’ was battling with the ‘new me’. The ‘new me’ is the person who accepted David’s invitation. The ‘old me’ never would have considered it. But the ‘old me’ is the person who sat through her supper on guard. The ‘old me’ is the person who had to get back here. Had to.
Well, I’m not too sure about this ‘had to’ anymore. ‘Had to’ was in the back of my mind the entire evening, rearing it’s ugly and familiar head in the parking lot of Geoffrey’s. ‘Had to’. ‘Old me’. Both of them duller than dishwater and just about as useful. I can hear Nyle now; I can hear the tone of her voice more than any words. She would accuse me of temporary insanity, of going above and beyond what’s required of me, and I’m not sure she would be wrong. I’m glad I can hear her. I don’t want to be ‘old me’, I don’t want ‘had to’ in my life any more than it needs to be. I know that there are things I can’t avoid, things I don’t want to avoid: Tish, my job, and the responsibilities I choose. But wrapping myself up in unnecessary obligations, that just seems so wrong. Particularly on such a lovely, lovely evening. Particularly after having such an enjoyable time. Because even though ‘old me’ was still in force, still coloring my thoughts and responses, I DID enjoy my evening with David.
I would enjoy another, too.
I finish my cigarette and stamp it out in the ashtray I keep here for just such a moment. I stretch, turn, and note the house behind me. More of the lights have gone out. I smile to myself as I blow out the candle.
I’m sure Alex is in good hands.
~~**~~**~~***~~**~~**~~
~~**~~**~~***~~**~~**~~
Shi is smoking out in front of her house. I can see her from here, from the kitchen window, a dark shadow against the light of the candle she’s got burnin’ out there.
Summer’s gone. She was about on her way out when Shi came in. She’s got an early call for another photo shoot tomorrow, but she’s gonna phone me about goin’ to some movie premiere next week. We’ve both got invites to it, so we figured why not go together.
She’s cool. She was cool to come over with the pizza and everything and hang out with me tonight. It was lonesome in the house. I couldn’t sleep, as much as I felt tired. I tried, but I guess I was slept out. Pretty weird for me, I can usually sleep for long, long periods of time. Not tonight, though, which pissed me off ‘cause I wanted to be asleep. I wanted to be dead out when Shi got back from her, her date. I didn’t want to see her when she came back home. I didn’t want to know if she had a good time, or have to talk to her at all. So when sleep wouldn’t come, and Summer called, I jumped on it.
And I guess it all worked out. I had a good enough evening and having Summer there kinda came between me and any conversation I woulda had to have with Shi.
Shit. That’s such lies. A whole long string of ‘em.
I wanted to be alone, Summer invited herself over. I coulda probably slept and I didn’t. I laid here alone and got myself all pissed off ‘cause Shi was out with some guy. So when Summer called, even though I coulda cared less, I told her ‘sure, come on over’. So she did. With a pizza I couldn’t take but one bite of, and I shouldn’t a had that. Made me sick to my stomach. But I know that when I said ‘okay’ to Summer, I was really feelin’ like, if Shi can be with someone else tonight, so can I.
Stupid.
Once Summer got here I kinda wanted her to go. She’s beautiful and everything. I mean, she’s a friggin’ Playboy Playmate. She’s someone I’ve seen naked. Okay, so have millions of other guys. She’s in magazines. She’s in a bunch of soft core pornos and shit like that. She’s someone I’ve fantasized about. And we rolled around some one night and that’s about it. I don’t see myself ‘with’ her any more than I was ‘with’ her tonight. She’s someone to hang out with, someone I’d look good with, but there’s nothin’ there. No spark. No nothin’.
So she coulda come by and turned around and left and it wouldn’t have mattered to me a bit. I coulda maybe waited up for Shi and been, like, asleep and then, well, whatever. Then nothin. But nothing these past coupla days with Shi usually means having her put her hands on my face to check my fever. Touch me.
Touch me.
I want her to touch me.
Now I didn’t even get the nurse treatment. No. And no real ‘goodnight’. No. Instead I’m standin’ here in the dark, watchin’ her from the window, and wonderin’ how it all went down for her tonight. I DO want to know about it. Did she have a good time? Did she really like this guy? What?
God, she looked pretty when she came in. A little breathless maybe, I don’t know, but pretty. Hair a mess from the wind outside. Guess she went somewhere near the beach with this guy, it’s always a little breezy out there. Fuck it, I’ll take her to the goddamn beach if that’s where she wants to go. I mean, I must be the only person she knows out here who hasn’t been to the beach with her. I know she’s gone with Mickie and the girls. I know that she’s gone walkin’ out there with that ‘river’ person, that Nyle. Now David.
David Ravensdale. Jesus.
I wonder who this guy is. I really do. Did she meet him downtown? He’s not a ‘name’, I know almost all the ‘names’ around here. Like, he’s not famous. Maybe he’s a behind-the-scenes guy. One of those producers or somethin’. He’s probably some blond, California god with a tan that won’t quit. Probably met him while she was downtown, or in the Colony. Some skeezy guy on the make. One of those Hollywood greaseballs. I know all about guys like that. Hell I’ve BEEN a guy like that and I can hear some of my own loser come ons runnin’ through my head.
Who am I kiddin’?
He’s probably nice. I can’t see Shi puttin’ up with some jackass for thirty seconds, much less for the hours she was gone. Drinks. Probably dinner, too. Nah, he’s probably some guy who had enough brains to take one look at Shi and know that she’s special. And he’s got enough goin’ on for himself for her to say ‘yes’ to an invitation.
Christ, she’s goin’ into the poolhouse and she just gave this big, long stretch and now she’s blowin’ out the candle. That’s just dead sexy, that stretch. She looks all limber and graceful.
Now she’s gonna be alone there and I’m gonna be alone here.
That’s just wrong. It feels ALL wrong. We should’ve been together tonight, her and me and the television and just bein’ together. Just the two of us together. No one else. No Davids, no Summers, just her and me and, and whatever. And nothin’; just keepin’ each other company, maybe havin’ some laughs.
The intercom buzzes and I about have a heart attack. It buzzes until I reach for the phone and press the right button.
“Sh... sh... shi?”
“Is everything all right?”
“F... fine. You?”
“I’m just going to bed and I saw you standing up there in the window, and, forgive me, but you looked like you were bent over the sink being sick.”
“I, uh, no, I was ju... ju... just lookin’ outta the window.” If the floor could swallow me up now, that would be good.
“Okay. I just wondered.”
“I’m f.. fine,” I tell her. I’d be even better if my stutter wasn’t kickin’ in.
“Good. Okay, just checking. Goodnight.”
And I’m holdin’ a dead receiver in my hand. I hang up the phone and slap my hand on the wall. Shit. Time to call it a night.
~~**~~**~~***~~**~~**~~
~~**~~**~~***~~**~~**~~
That should take care of the staring situation. I’m pleased. Time to call it a night.
~~**~~**~~***~~**~~**~~
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© 2003 Chandrah, Inc.
© 2003 (*> Baby Bird Productions, Inc.
