Once he even helped me make the bed, despite my protests. He knew how to do it, too, which I found surprising.
I don't know what's going on, I can only guess. My guess is that he's a little nervous about this trip to Florida. He's wavered every time we've discussed it, be it in the context of the things he'd like me to do here while he's gone, or the time table for how long he'll be gone, or his even his plans for his time away. You could almost believe that he's never been away from home, which is absurd in the extreme.
He did tell me that things between him and his mother have been strained, though, so perhaps that's a part of it. I don't think he's seen her in a very long time, and something about the way he talks about her tells me that it not only bothers him that he hasn't seen her, but it also that he's going to see her. There's some honest tension about the relationship and this homecoming. I only pray that nothing like this ever happens between Tish and me. You never know. I'm sure this wasn't the plan that Alex or his mother had in mind, but you never can tell where life is going to lead you or how things may end up.
So I think that besides the 'work' he's going to do in Florida, there's additional stress for Alex just in being there.
But the plans are going ahead. Every day there's some task or other that has to be accomplished before he can leave. Even though he's traveling light for this, taking what I would consider too little wardrobe for a months absence, he's gone shopping almost every day and come home with bags full of purchases that need to be cleaned and ironed. He seems particular about what he's taking, but to me, it all looks like more of what he already owns. It's as if it all has to be new, something that's never seen Florida, yet around here, he's been wearing the same two pairs of faded, washed out jeans day after day.
I've had to get a two month's supply of his medications, too, and I've gone to the trouble of buying enough pill caddies to fill up for the entire time he'll be gone. They're nestled in a carry on bag, already portioned out for each day of the month. All he needs to do is remember to take them. I don't think that there'll be a problem with that, though. Even for the few days he's been on his new rotations, he seems more clear headed. And more articulate. His slurred, often meandering way of speaking has started to stop. It's being replaced by a more amusing, staccato delivery of words on those days when he has talkative moments.
Beyond that, it's been business as usual. I cook, I clean, I shop, I organize. I've left myself with very little free time because I want to be as available to Alex as I can for these last few days. After this weekend I'll have more than enough free time on my hands to fill; I want to give Alex the full benefit of whatever I can do for him. I've turned down supper with Mickie twice. And coffee in the afternoon with Nyle, too.
And several dates with David.
They understand. I feel as if I need to be here right now making sure that Alex knows I have things under control and that he has nothing to worry about as far as this house goes while he's away. It makes it easier for me, and for Alex. Once he's gone, my days will be my own to fill.
I have my own agenda for May. There's the house. I intend to complete as many decorating projects as I can. There's my own 'house', too, and I think that I'll do a few things there to make it feel even more like home than it does now. I have reading I want to do. And there's Tish. Some days I feel as if I don't see her at all. She's busy with Kim, and now there are more friends coming around; a small crowd of girls that are often together on the weekends. School is winding down, too, and summer is approaching. I want to spend more time with Tish, because soon she'll be off and running for the summer. Off to camp, off to Florida, and it will be the first time for the both of us that we'll be apart.
I'm not sure how I feel about it all now. Some days I wish I'd never allowed for the camp plans. I'm going to miss her. We've been a team for her entire life and have never spent any more time apart than the space of an evening sleepover. Now I won't see her for almost three entire months, and the mere thought of it leaves me with an odd feeling in my stomach, a flutter of nerves that I've never experienced before. I know that this will be a fun summer for her. I know that she's going to have experiences that she'll always remember, and that she SHOULD have those experiences. But something in me wants her to be right here every morning, wants to clutch at her and keep her small and young for a little while longer.
And maybe some of my feelings about Tish are coloring my observations about Alex. There are some similarities in what they're doing right now, right down to the preparations that Tish and I will be immersed in this coming month to get her ready for HER travels. So I'm sure that what I'm feeling about her is washing over into feelings about him. Because, oddly enough, I'm going to miss Alex, too.
I watch him every morning, and I know that I'm going to miss seeing his disheveled self shuffling into the kitchen once he's gone. I'm going to miss those first few quiet minutes of pouring coffee and sitting together over cigarettes while he wakes himself up. Even that banal morning conversations about what to have for breakfast will leave a hole in a part of my day. There will be no need for me to go through the house other than to make sure that the cleaning people have disturbed nothing, or to oversee any projects that I'll be doing. No laundry to find stuffed into a corner. No ashtrays to clean, no piles of clutter anywhere.
This house is going to seem bigger than it already does. It's going to be empty.
So I'll have May with no Alex, and a summer with no daughter, time on my hands and a limited amount of things to do to fill it. I almost find it hard to believe. I almost find it frightening.
Not three months ago my life was a scramble for survival. I had no prospects, no real plans. Now, even with this strange job, I'm looking at a lot of time I'll need to fill, and for once in my life I won't have child care or anything more than some very light duties to fill it.
I honestly don't know what I'm going to do with myself.
And it's making me very aware of what I'm doing with my time at the moment. It revolves around the minimal needs of my child and the needs of my job. That's it.
I don't think I expected this job to be quite as easy as it is. I think that the state of the house, even Alex's state when I first arrived here, was intimidating to a degree. There was the stress of everything being new and strange, the stress of change that I've always hated. Now that my life has become routine, though, I see some of what Nyle's been alluding to in her none too subtle ways.
"You need to do more with yourself than just clean toilets." I can hear her voice in my ear every time I take a scrub brush out to perform this task now.
I do need to do more with myself. Even reading, which has always been a great filler of time for me when I've had time to fill, isn't going to be enough, I can see that. Without Alex and Tish around to cater to, once the house is completed, I'll need more things to do. I can't sit around here by the pool day after day, I'm not one to do a lot of shopping and I've never had enough free time on my hands to cultivate a lot of hobbies.
Some days when I wake up and all these things are going through my head I get up to the house and see Alex in the same predicament and think that the two of us have a lot more in common than I'd like to admit to. He wanders around here some days looking as lost as I'm beginning to feel. It makes me nervous. I know that up until recently Alex has been a busy person. He's told me enough about his past, about his career, to understand that there were times when he had no moments to rest, no moments to think. Now he has too much time on his hands and not enough interests in life to fill it.
That could be me.
It knocks any feelings of superiority that might be lurking in my mind regarding Alex right out of the ballpark.
So while I'm going though all of my every day activities, while I'm wiping something up, or putting something away, when I'm making yet another meal to tempt my employers appetite, which has been flagging these past few days, my mind is racing with these thoughts. What am I going to do with myself? What's going to happen when these people I take care of are off on their own? Where is this all leading?
And so far I haven't come up with an answer.
~~**~~**~~***~~**~~**~~
~~**~~**~~***~~**~~**~~
Shi is acting strange. There's somethin' about her that's changed, something that's gone 'inside' of her, and I don't like it.
I noticed it the other day. Caught her staring at nothing. She never does that. She's never not moving. I can always find her doin' something, putting something away, pickin' something up; busy.
But the past coupla days I've found her in the middle of something doing nothing. Standing with a towel in her hands, folding it and staring into space. Or just lookin' out the windows. I don't know if somethin's bothering her, and I've asked a few times if everything is all right. She just looks at me funny and smiles, tells me everything is fine, she's just thinkin'.
I guess she's gotta lot of plans for while I'm gone. I know that I'm gonna come back here and the whole house is gonna look different. I know that she's someone who works hard and that she's plannin' on workin' hard whether I'm here or not, whether I tell her she can chill or not. So maybe there's just a lot on her mind. I can understand that, there's a lot on my mind, too.
Only a few more days and I'll be leavin'. I've talked to my mom a coupla times, and she's excited. I think I am, too, but I'm scared. I'm scared about bein' in Florida, where it's not always the best place for me to be. I'm scared about seein' old friends, or would be friends, or places that I used to go. I'm scared that I'll be tempted to do things I don't really want to, or that I'm just not strong enough to avoid the temptations.
I don't know.
And I still have to deal with Sarah. I have to get all the excess furniture outta the house. It's one of those things that I keep puttin' off and I make myself busy every day with all sorts of bullshit just to avoid it. And every day is one more day closer to my leaving and one more day that I haven't done this.
I get tired just thinkin' about it, and then I use THAT as an excuse for not doin' it, too. So tonight I'm gonna bite the bullet and call her, you know, maybe just to say that I had a bunch of calls on the cell, just to say 'hello'. And we'll see.
We'll see.
~~**~~**~~***~~**~~**~~
~~**~~**~~***~~**~~**~~
© 2003 Chandrah, Inc.
© 2003 (*> Baby Bird Productions, Inc.
