I don't even know how I got the nerve up to call her. I wasn't gonna do it. I had sort of made up my mind that there was no way I could phone her, then get on a plane to Florida and have to go and deal with my mother and the rest of my family. Only, that didn't feel like the right thing to do, either. I must've stared at the phone in my hand all morning, but I finally did it. She didn't sound particularly happy to hear from me, but she didn't sound angry, either, and when I asked if we could get together, she was all right about it. So Shi gave me a hand and I loaded up a coupla boxes of her stuff and took it over there.
She was okay with me bringin' the stuff over, and the dogs went mental when they saw me, so it was all good. I didn't stay too long, about an hour, but it did kinda help to clear the air. And even though I was buggin' the whole time, I was real happy with myself that I could go there and do that, and get a coupla things settled before I leave.
Now I know that Sarah really doesn't want a lot of the stuff from the house. A few more things, and yeah, she'll take the dining room table, but most of it looks like it's headed for storage or a thrift store. And I know that I miss the dogs. When I come back I'm gonna have them stay with me some of the time, when I can. I also know that there's no way, no way at all, that I'm ever gonna have the relationship I had with her again.
So I need to have Shi deal with the furniture and shit, I need to have a kennel built in the backyard, and I need to move on from all this once and for all.
And I'm not really sad about any of it; I think I'm kinda relieved. No, I think I'm VERY relieved.
This isn't hangin' on my back anymore. I can go and see the dogs and not feel like I have no right to do that. I can go and see Sarah and not feel like I have to apologize all over again about all the shit I caused. I don't have to try and love her anymore. I don't have to have too much pressure there. Once she has the things she wants, except for the occasional phone call and havin' to see her when I get the dogs, I don't have to deal with this person any longer unless I want to.
It's like this giant weight's been lifted off my shoulders.
I can go to Florida without all this bein' in the background. Shi was right; so was the doctor. This whole thing between me and Sarah was really huge and just THERE every minute. Now, even though I'm still a little freaked by the whole thing, the tension is gone.
I wish Shi was here now. I would talk to her about this. I don't know if I will tomorrow, not the way I would right at this minute. Tomorrow I'm gonna have to talk to her anyway, about gettin' all the stuff outta the back rooms, about what to do with those rooms, and about the dog situation. But by then I'll, you know, I'll have slept on all this and it won't be fresh and I may not feel like sayin' much of anything. But if Shi was here, I think I'd talk her ear off.
I'm gonna miss that. I'm gonna miss that a lot. I can talk to Shi. I didn't know that I could for a long time. I didn't know I wanted to. Then I wanted to and didn't think I could, or should. But since, since I started to see her different, and since I'm leavin' for a while anyway, I kinda have been lookin' for her around here to, you know, just talk.
There's somethin' so calm about Shi.
I think it's the way she just 'knows' things. Not in a 'know-it-all' way. Not like that at all. In a way that if I ask her about somethin' she's gonna tell me what she thinks and not dance around it. Not in my face, but, shit, you know, she's honest and she's not afraid to be honest with me. That's kinda new in a lotta ways. There are a lotta people around here and in my life that never were too honest with me, or if they were, they were so shitty-honest with me that I didn't want to hear what they had to say.
I like to hear what Shi has to say.
And I guess, if I'm bein' honest with myself, I like her so much that I wanna be around her. If I can, I'm gonna. So there's been no golf, no meetings, and no nights out for a while. I'm not a real good golfer, hell, I suck, and I'm sick of René and the people at the meetings. I'm not drinkin', I'm not using and I don't want to. I feel pretty strong with that right now. I'll probably hook up with a meeting group in Florida. Everyone there, my family, they're gonna expect me to do it, and I guess it wouldn't be good to go out there for a long time and not get to one or two. There's a place I was at for a coupla weeks after rehab, and I can always go there, too, if I need it.
But I'm bored with the way things have been.
I wanna try and get back into the music, too. After hangin' out with Mickie for a while, and hangin' out with other people who are makin' music, I don't see why I can't, too. I mean, I know I avoided it. I closed up the studio and haven't been in it since Sarah lived here. She used it more than I did, anyway. But I didn't wanna do it. Now it's appealin' to me again. Just a little bit, but enough to wanna get Juliette onto some gigs. Nothin' major. Nothin' in a club, really, just some informal bullshit. Even if I'm just up there on stage with someone else, that would be fine, too.
I haven't said anything about that to Shi at all. I'd like to know what she would think about it. I wonder if I did do a gig, would she come to it? I think I'd like that.
She's like a good luck charm. If I think about it, a lot of things have changed for me since she came to work here, and it's all been good. All of it.
Shit. She's a sweetheart, for real. She probably deserves a break from my bullshit, and she's about to get a big one. I just still don't know if I'm ready for a break from her. Deep down I know that this is the right thing to do, to go on this extended trip. I know that I need to give MYSELF a little space here; give myself a place where I can get calm where Shi's concerned, 'cause I'm not calm about her at all. I get these great big zings around her, like coke hits, like the first hit of the night that's the strongest. She's like a thrill. And I know that if I act on the feelings that I'm havin' about her, that it's gonna end up bein' a mistake. She'll leave, and I'll have no one to blame but myself, and I guess that I need Shi here and more as my friend, than to try to make her more than that and have her go.
Still, it's gonna be hard. Saying good-bye is gonna be hard.
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This is it. The designated day of departure. I think that Alex didn't sleep much last night, he was dressed and waiting for me before I got up to the house this morning. He'd been sitting at the table for a while, too, because his ashtray was full and it wasn't when I left last night.
I've helped him pack; I've been helping him with it for days. Three large bags and a carry on. He's got necessities and toys. CD's and a portable DVD player are tucked into the carry on. And a surprise he doesn't even know about. I've stashed a few books in there for him to read. Easy stuff. "Tom Sawyer" and "The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn". I thought they were appropriate, because he seems to be on some sort of personal journey with his trip back home. I hope he reads them, but if he doesn't I hope they just make him smile.
I also stowed some cookies in there, some Dramamine, a pack of gum and a carton of cigarettes. He has all his medications. He's good to go.
I feel that he's ambivalent about this trip. I don't know what that's like. I never did any 'going back home' trips. I didn't really have one to go back to, and no real desire to keep following my parents from place to place. As much as Alex has traveled the world or how long he's lived in California, it does appear that Florida is his 'home'. And though he's been away from there for some time, it's still a significant place to him.
I hope he can bear up under the strain he seems to be putting himself through, though.
Over breakfast Alex explained to me the things that need to be done with the excess furniture. He wants it all gone. A fresh start when he gets back. He won't have time before the car comes to pick him up to go through everything piece by piece, but he's told me enough to figure out what goes to that Sarah and what goes to charity. If I'm unsure, I can call him.
And he's also told me to talk to the grounds people about a kennel, so I'm expecting the dogs back. He's not being terribly specific about it, other than he'd like it done before he returns, so I don't think I'll be seeing them before then.
Other than that, I can do as I like.
"Knock yourself out," he says to me over a mouthful of French toast. "But don't, like, you know, go mental."
I have no intentions of going mental. I have every intention of having this house look like the home he seems to want, but doesn't know how to achieve.
"If there's anything you need, I'll send it to you," I assure him. His bags are piled by the door. It's now just a matter of waiting for his ride. His tickets are in his pocket.
"You have all the numbers?" he asks me for the umpteenth time.
"Right there on the fridge, and programmed into my phones."
"You know you can call any time."
"I know."
"You can call if you just wanna, you know, check in."
"Would you like me to do that? I can."
"Yeah, sure. Leave a voice mail if you don't get me, but you'll probably get me."
He's smoking nonstop now, lighting one cigarette after the other. There won't be many chances again once he's en route. Watching him is making me nervous and I end up smoking right along with him.
"Stay in the house if you want," he says. "Use the place."
"No, it will be under construction."
"Whatever. But if you feel like throwin' yourself some barbecues and shit, just do it."
"I won't be throwing any shit," I tell him, and that gets the usual laugh, his standard cackle.
"I might be back for a day or two."
"Then you let me know so I can have things prepared."
"You don't have to…"
"Yes, I do," I tell him. "It's my job. Besides, you wouldn't like coming into the house and having it be upside down."
"I won't care."
"Alex, I'LL care." I smile at him. He smiles back, and someone rings the bell.
It's time.
The driver comes in to take the bags. Alex and I go through one last check of the absolutes. He opens his carry on and sees the books and the cookies, and his face flushes.
"Have a good time," I tell him. "I'll have everything done before you're back."
"Are you sure you wouldn't like to come along?" he asks, teasing me the way he has for the past week or so.
"Sorry, my boss wouldn't like it," I tell him. I pick up his tote and hand it to him. He takes it and puts it down, and before I realize it I'm being hugged. It's a long hug, a hard one. Hard enough that I feel his arms shaking. I have no choice, I have to hug him back, and I can feel the bones of his spine through his shirt, I can feel his heart and it's racing. "It's going to be all right." The words slip out. I don't know why I say them, but once I do they seem like the appropriate thing to say. The past days have felt so very off kilter and he's seemed so lost despite the things he's accomplished, that his need for some sort of comfort is as palpable as his embrace.
"Thanks for everything," he rasps in my ear. And I feel a quick brush of his lips there, not far from where David's euro-kisses land, and then he quickly turns, picks up his bag, and leaves.
I'm going to miss him.
More than I thought.
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© 2003 Chandrah, Inc.
© 2003 (*> Baby Bird Productions, Inc.
