This place has an echo to it now that it didn't have before, even on those days when Alex wasn't hanging around. It only serves to make me want to fill the place up with as much hominess as I can, so that it will feel lived in and not like a huge, empty shell of a place.
It didn't bother me like this yesterday, but it was Sunday and I was in and out all day with the music blaring through the sound system and Tish as my companion. I spent most of the time in the 'storage' rooms packing the things I know are going to that Sarah in cartons and getting them labeled up. I'll call a moving company today and make the arrangements to have these things picked up and delivered, along with the few pieces of furniture she's taking. All the other things are being donated to a women's shelter out here. Alex suggested the Goodwill, or the Salvation Army, but he said that I could decide. I decided that women in need can have the luxury of the sofa's and chairs and knickknacks Alex isn't keeping. And anything else that won't be staying around here. I'll make those arrangements closer to the end of the week.
I haven't had a chance to talk to Alex, although he's left a few messages on the phone and in my voice mail. Apparently he's arrived and everything is 'cool', even though the weather is hot. I think I'm going to save these messages to play back for him some time, because they are the most speed chattered things I've ever heard in my life. It's almost as if he thinks there won't be enough tape on the machine, or minutes in the voice mail box, to get in everything he wants to say.
They make me laugh.
But today the house feels like a tomb. Tish has gone to school and that makes me feel a bit lonelier, too, because she was helping me yesterday, and chatting with me throughout. It's just me on my own in this place that can be vast and rambling on a good day. I'm overwhelmed.
When I walk through all the rooms I don't know how I managed to get the house in order. And even though there have been significant changes made here, I still have to admit that there's a 'lacking' that still lingers here. A lack of charm and warmth that really shouldn't be. Alex IS charming in his way. Now, since his leave taking, I believe that there's warmth inside him, too, or at least a very big need for warmth.
I've found myself thinking of that hug from him several times over the past few days. There was a lot of need in that hug. Maybe just a simple need to BE hugged. I know that need, I've had it myself, and I've had it go unfulfilled. There were times in my life when a hug, a touch, an innocent embrace, would have alleviated a lot of stress inside of me and I didn't get it. I never thought of Alex in that respect and I feel remiss in having let that pass by me. He was so obviously nervous and upset about this trip that I should have seen it a mile away. Not that I would have acted on it, I wouldn't have, I don't believe that it's my place, but I should have been aware of it and I wasn't.
I feel the same way as I do when Tish's problems or needs allude me. As if I'm inadequate or remiss in some way.
Well, there isn't anything I can do about that now; he's gone. He's in Florida, he's at his mother's house, and I'm sure that if he wants it there will be enough familial hugs and kisses to go around. It sounded to me, through his messages, that he was already being kept busy with a family gathering. I hope he's all right about it. And that they're all right with him.
I do wonder, too, what he's like with them. I wonder if he's distant and nervous or does that warmth inside of him come out more. I wonder how he interacts with them, and they with him. Are they close? Were they ever close? Did what closeness they have get buried under the pressure of his addictions and recovery? Are they upset with him, or do they let it slide? Many of them work for him in one capacity or another, so there are still a lot of ties, but I do think that they must have become strained.
I don't know, but I believe that all of it taints his life and colors his personality, so I've become curious in the extreme over this.
I was going to do some work in this house today, but I'm about to change my plans. I have to get used to being in here alone. And I have to get used to knowing that some of the thoughts I had about Alex from the beginning were wrong, and in some respects, mean spirited. He may have been spoiled, he may still be spoiled, but he's lonely, too. He's lonely and troubled and has had every right to feel lost in this house, to feel left out of things. I always thought he was just too lazy to go out and find people to be with, or that he was perhaps one of those eccentrics who preferred an uneasy solitude. I thought many things, but now, when I'm experiencing the same feelings of loneliness in his house I feel that I owe him some kind of apology for thinking harshly of him, even if it's only within my own mind.
I'm sorry Alex. I say the words in my head; I say them out loud, to the walls of the hallway. I say them very quietly, so they don't bounce off the walls. Then I leave.
It's too quiet here without the man of the house at home.
~~**~~**~~***~~**~~**~~
"If you can't stand it like this, what's going to happen over the summer when Tish is gone?" Nyle asks me.
"I don't know," I tell her, which is the honest truth. "I suppose I shouldn't complain, I'm sure most people would crave to have this kind of free, unstructured time on their hands. In fact, I used to be one of those people." I laugh into my tea cup.
"I don't believe you. You're too motivated," she insists, but she smiles, too.
"I'm not feeling very motivated at the moment. I should be doing ten different things right now, and I just don't want to."
"Does Mr. Man expect you to be doing all these "things" while he's frittering away his time in Florida?"
"Actually, no, he told me to, and I quote, "chill"." I take a sip of my tea. "And he's not frittering away his time, he's doing charity work."
"I'm sure."
"No, he is. Make-A-Wish Foundation. Dinner with terminally ill children. Then something else for a women's group, and another thing for the American Diabetes Association."
"You're joking."
"I am not joking."
"This is the same person we're talking about, isn't it? The boy with the attitude problem?"
"Nyle, please. He's not like that," I tell her. Then I recall some of the screaming fights Alex has had with people and I add, "Much."
"Perhaps he has some good points."
"Several. But I didn't come here to talk about Alex."
"What DID you come here for?" she asks me with a grin.
"Tea. Company. A change of scenery. Books." I grin back.
"See? Motivated." We sip our tea in silence for a time, listening to the ocean in the distance. "Speaking of motivated, have you heard from David?"
"A few times last week. He wanted to get together and I couldn't."
"Couldn't, or wouldn't?"
"Couldn't. There was a lot to do before Alex left." I leave it at that. I'm not sure that Nyle would be in favor of my logic for staying close at hand for Alex. I'm not sure that I favor my own logic.
"Well, you have plenty of time now," she says.
"If he's still interested."
"You're about to find out." Nyle gestures with her chin and I see David approaching from the path that leads away from the cafeteria. He's got a cup in one hand and the usual briefcase and sheaf of loose papers under one arm. His hair is in it's more typical disarray from being wind whipped. He's smiling.
"Hallo," he says as he approaches. "You're back." He sits himself down next to me and arranges his burdens on the grass. "I assume that your duties have been completed and you're free to do as you please again."
"Pretty much," I say. I don't bother to correct him. I've been able to do what I pleased, and have, for several months, this past week being no exception to the rule. But I don't feel the same need to defend my choices with David as I do with Nyle. "Not that I'm completely off the hook, I have some large projects I want to complete, but I seem to have quite a lot of free time at the moment."
"Then we must work to fill that void," he says.
"I need to get back to work," Nyle tells us with a quick glance to her watch. "You're coming back to the library, correct?"
"Correct," I tell her.
"Then I'll see you in a bit. You I'll see whether I want to or not," she tells David, and then she's up and off leaving David and me on our own.
"Charming to a fault," David says, and I laugh.
"That's Nyle."
"So have you come here to select some reading material to help while away the hours?"
"Yes, and to see Nyle. It's been a while since I've been by here."
"Yes, it has, I've noted your absence. It's quite refreshing to see you here on occasion. I have to admit, I've missed running into you."
"Thank you, I've missed coming here." I can feel that my face has gone pink with blush. I like the compliment.
"Am I free to ring you up now?"
"Of course." I shrug. He's been free to do as he likes regardless of my situation.
"Than I shall. Straight away. I'm driving up the coast this Saturday. If you're able, would you like to join me? Not far, just to Santa Barbara. I have to run a brief errand, and then the rest of the day is free."
"I'd like that, but I have to find out what my daughter's plans are."
"Of course," he says, as if that's a given. "If not, perhaps something else that evening, then."
"Perhaps," I say.
"I have to dash, I'm late again," he says. "I'll ring you tomorrow evening, then?"
"Any time, David."
"Brilliant."
Before I can say anything else I feel his lips on my cheek, high up near my ear, exactly in the spot that Alex made his tentative goodbye kiss. This one lingers for a moment, enough for me to feel the warmth of David's breath and the brush of his nose. It's nice. Before I really want it to end, though, David is up and gathering his things.
"I'll ring you later," he says, and he's off, leaving me with one more smile in his wake and a smile on my face.
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© 2003 Chandrah, Inc.
© 2003 (*> Baby Bird Productions, Inc.
